You’re Not Crazy - Gaslighting Is Real, and It’s Really Destructive
Gaslighting is hard to see. That’s the point. Abusers want to confuse their victims and keep them questioning reality. It’s part of their sick game. But with knowledge comes power. So read on – it’s time to take back your power.
Manipulation + Control = Gaslighting
The term gaslighting originated from the 1938 play Gas Light. In the play and its movie adaptations, a man makes his wife believe she’s gone insane. He does so by convincing her that she’s imagining things that are actually happening.
Gaslighting is the ultimate manipulation move. Its purpose is to make you doubt yourself – to question your memories, your reality, your sanity. Your abuser wants to manipulate, influence, and control you. They use your weaknesses to strip you of your self-worth. Then they strengthen their power over you.
Abusers are likely narcissists or have personality disorders. They act one way towards their victim but present a positive image to everyone else. This makes it less likely that others will believe a victim if they come forward. Gaslighting makes victims feel and appear unstable and unreasonable.
Hidden in Plain Sight: Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighters are sneaky. They start by making you feel valued and connected. They rope you in with compliments and inner circle information. Then they start robbing you of your confidence and self-worth. It’s often a slow, calculated process.
A gaslighter may use a variety of tactics to belittle, intimidate, and harass their victim. The five most common techniques are:
Playing Dumb – They pretend to have no idea what you’re talking about.
Casting Doubt – They question your memory of events.
Avoidance – They change the subject or question your thoughts and feelings.
Belittling – They devalue you as too sensitive or irrational.
Ignoring – They act as if they forgot a promise made or deny details of real events.
An encounter with your abuser may feel surreal. They use positive behavior, such as praise and bonding, to pull you close. Then they shift the narrative so you end up the bad guy. You may walk away confused and wondering what the hell just happened.
The Devastating Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting has a profound negative effect on victims. The goal of an abuser is to make you question yourself and everything you know to be true. As a victim of gaslighting, you may notice:
Anxiety. Your abuser’s unpredictable behavior may cause you to dread interactions with them. The self-doubt your abuser instills in you creates unease and anxiousness.
Depression. Constant attacks on your identity and self-esteem destroy your mental health. You are likely to question everything you know and love about yourself. Your abuser is also likely to isolate you from friends, family, and colleagues.
Disorientation. Gaslighters attack truth, making you doubt yourself. Your abuser leaves you confused, disoriented, and questioning reality.
Lowered self-esteem. Attacking your confidence is the best way for your abuser to gain control of you. Insults and intimidation shred self-esteem and increase self-doubt.
Gaslighting can lead to PTSD symptoms, hypervigilance, and suicidal thoughts. If you believe you are a victim of gaslighting, a mental health provider can support you. If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, call 988. What you’re enduring is real and matters. You matter.
Survive Gaslighting and Reclaim Your Power
If you think you’re being gaslit, it’s important to lean on your support network. Talk to people you trust. Tell them what you think is happening. Listen when they tell you that you’re not crazy.
Journaling is an effective strategy to combat gaslighting and its negative effects. Keep a record of notable events and encounters. This will help maintain your memories when your abuser tries to discredit them. Writing is also a powerful way to process emotions that arise from abuse.
Surviving gaslighting can be as hard as identifying it in the first place. You have experienced psychological damage from the abuse. You’re questioning what to think and who to trust. And, you’re likely blaming yourself for being too trusting.
But you’re not the problem – your abuser is. And you don’t have to be a victim anymore. You’re a survivor.
Resources
If you’re in an abusive domestic relationship, help is out there. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. Call 1.800.799.SAFE, text “START” to 88788, or click here to chat live now.
If you’re being gaslit at work, contact an employment lawyer for advice and next steps. Click here for a resource and more information.
If you’re interested in talking to a professional mental health provider, click here to start your search.
Sources
Acosta, Kim. “What Is Gaslighting and How Do You Deal with It?” Forbes Health, 22 June 2021, www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-gaslighting/.
“Gaslighting | Psychology Today.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting#:~:text=Gaslighting%20is%20an%20insidious%20form. Accessed 5 Feb. 2024.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. “What Is Gaslighting?” The Hotline, www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/. Accessed 5 Feb. 2024.
“Workplace Gaslighting - Dyer, Garofalo, Mann & Schultz.” Dyer, Garofalo, Mann & Schultz, L.P.A., 7 Oct. 2020, ohiotiger.com/workplace-gaslighting-what-can-you-do-legally/#:~:text=Watching%20for%20signs%20of%20workplace. Accessed 5 Feb. 2024.
